if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
