I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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