And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
