Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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