What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Randomize
