I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
