I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
