Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
