You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
