non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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