No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
