I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
