i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
