Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
