you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
