Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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