Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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