I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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