I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
