We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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