Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
