everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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