he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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