Just fell off a train. Bad.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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