My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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