You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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