Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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