I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Randomize
