Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
