I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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