I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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