I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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