Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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