Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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