and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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