sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
