her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
