God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
