Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
