Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
