come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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