He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
