absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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