3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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