It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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