If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
