Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
