I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
