I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
