Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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